The night we found out we were pregnant with our first was one of those few moments in my life that I will never forget. Before that moment, I’d never have imagined that one little test would leave such an impression on my life, but it did. My spouse and I were pregnant, we had embarked on a new adventure of joint purpose, of family.
We live on Australia’s Gold Coast. Moving here was a decision we made together, moving away from our families early 2007 in favor for a beach lifestyle. As such, we often have our families visit us for weekends or weeks at a time, staying in our spare room. It really is one of the joys of living at a tourist destination.
It was early 2008 that we started to suspect this unplanned pregnancy. We actually had my parents staying with us at the time. So we decided to wait till they left before getting the test, to confirm what was going on.
So Mum and Dad left, we bought a pregnancy test, my wife went into the bathroom. She followed all the instructions and then, amusingly, fled the scene. All courage had departed, she couldn’t look at the results. I found her in the lounge with her head buried under a pillow.
So off I went into the bathroom to check the results. Lo and behold, it came back positive. After taking a moment to absorb the fact, I composed myself and went back into the lounge as straight faced as I could. I tried to draw out the announcement as long as I could, toying with her growing impatience, finally relenting with a humble “Sweetheart, we are going to be parents”.
This sparked a bevy of activity. She leaped off the couch and bounded into the bathroom to see for herself. When I arrived behind her, she was jumping up and down in excitement, then settled into a moment of stillness where we just stared at each other tenderly. It really was a roller-coaster, fear, excitement, love, joy, responsibility all rolled up into less than 10 minutes, what an introduction into pregnancy.
The rest of this evening was nothing short of blissful. The news, though unexpected and unplanned, brought us together as a couple in a way I never would have thought possible. The intimacy of this special news was something only we shared. The way we shared this revelation strengthened our relationship massively. All of a sudden we were a partnership that nothing could cast asunder.
Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalize you as far as they can out of the process.
For example, one of my partner’s friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.
Another constant was the well meaning woman telling us that in her experience of giving birth, that medical advice we were receiving was incorrect. Yes sure, she had her children over 30 years ago, but nothing has changed and she knew better. Ridiculous. The really impressive part of these experiences though is that as the father to be, my opinions and participation in the discussion was not required. Apparently I was completely superfluous when it came to these decisions being made in my family.
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a roller-coaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
But they often are tempered by the “well meaning woman”, who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the “well meaning woman”. So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don’t think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad’s you know, it won’t take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.
I found the well meaning woman really impacted us in 2 areas. I learned pretty quick that it was important for me as the father to be, to protect our family from her influences in two areas particularly. If you are facing similar difficulties today, you may want to pay particular attention to these things.
Firstly, make sure these people do not interfere with your relationship with your doctor. Find a way to make them understand all medical opinions are off limits to them.
Secondly, ensure they do not interfere with your and your wife’s instincts. This pregnancy is your family’s, no-one else’s. Every pregnancy is different. You need your instincts to make it the best pregnancy for you and your partner, no-one else’s is appropriate or relevant. Anyone else’s could be damaging to you, your spouse and your unborn child.
As you approach the birth of your first you are likely to bump into the well meaning woman. If you do, this may be small comfort, but you are not the first and will not be the last. Remember to trust your instincts all the time, they will most likely be right. And if it gets beyond the joke, find another father to discuss the issue with. I’m sure you’ll quickly find many who have faced similar challenges without needing to look too far, and get some quality advice on how to deal with it.
Damian Papworth as a new dad, reflects on some of the challenges he had to cope with a short time ago, as an expectant father for the first time.